Certain events happening in my life lately has led me to ponder about my existence in this world and how it impacts other people. At times, I feel smaller than the wriggly fonts on this page. I am, but nothing.
I am not exactly a very splendid guy. Suffice to say, I am just your average Joe. I have more bad habits than positive traits, admittedly. I am not exactly the smartest person you've met, but at the same time, I am not exactly the most humble one either. In a nutshell, I am just like any other guy that one may randomly pick off the street, save the fact that there is probably more bullshit in me.
I think that I can be quite nice to my friends at times. Note the quite, and at times. I may be very stubborn and insistent on certain issues, or fall short of certain expectations or perceptions from certain people. God knows how they came up with the airy-fairy notions, but I am sincerely unapologetic for disappointing them. I am just being myself.
This bout of self-reflection, like many others before, is borne from a string of unhappy incidents which I will not elaborate on. I am not blowing my own trumpet, but as far as I know, I try my best to be very considerate towards other people, and honestly I think I do a fair job as compared to some people around me. I cannot for my life fathom what some people are thinking, when their attitudes show 180 degrees change, when apparently nothing significant has happened. And sometimes, I start to wonder, is it always them, or is it me?
I will be lying through my teeth if I said that I am not in the least bit bothered. I mean, if I offer my help to someone, I am not expecting a lot in return. And whether I help with the intention of getting something in return is besides the point. I reckon it to be basic courtesy that when help is rendered, whatever the scale or magnitude, there should always be a gesture of appreciation, be it a simple words of thanks, or something more. In fact, for me, a simple word of thanks will suffice. It shows that my help is actually appreciated. I cannot understand why some people seem to think that the world revolves around them, and take things around them for granted. I cannot understand why some people will always do what they feel like doing, without thinking about how their words or actions may impact others.
Sometimes, when you go out of your way to help someone, a few times, and then you do not get a single breath of appreciation in return. And on top of that , after you're pass your use by date, they chuck you into the rubbish bin. And like a piece of garbage, you sit there and wait, and wait, and wait in vain, hoping that your owner has made a mistake, and will fish you out of this shit hole soon. Until one day, you see the garbage man collect you, and dump you into the incinerator. Exhumed into flames, forgotten. And then the self-questioning will start again. Am I too naive? Is this what the world is all about?